LIFE! (.... sigh.....)

I haven't posted for a month. It's been hard to be "up". Life has been tough.

But we're on a week sabbatical right now. Getting a break with Larry and just be-ing, is restful. I finished one book, am halfway through the next, and bought another at Walmart yesterday.

I have my camera along. Went back and looked at pics I have kept on camera, and found some from Christmas. Joy was talking through the Nativity story with the boys, and they were manipulating and talking about the characters as they knew them. And they do know them. Not necessarily as you or I know them. But they can identify.

That hit a chord. We all can identify our concept of God. He may mean peace, or challenge, or security, to one or the other of us. To me he means Lordship. I can talk to God about my pain or anger, as well as my joy or thanks. Right now there is not a little pain and confusion.

But with lordship, the responsibility does not rest on my shoulders. Someone else is in control. Someone else holds responsibility. Someone else has the power and makes the decisions. And Someone else gives the strength.

Joy learned she is carrying a girl -- we are all celebrating! But there is a shadow of fear due to technological investigative technique. The fear could be all for nothing -- or it could be for something that may bring more fear and unknown outcomes. I don't have energy for fear right now. Life has me sighing enough without new fears.

I am resigning my pain and confusion over what I do know -- but don't understand. So I will likewise surrender the pain and confusion that may or may not be ahead. I am not a fatalist. I am a survivor. I am really a victor, but a tired one today.

Everything will be OK.

A sister just forwarded me the story of a young man drowning in a bog, saved by a farmer. The father wanted to repay the farmer, but the farmer said he could not accept payment for doing what was the only good and right thing to do. Still, the father wanted to show his gratitude so offered to educate the farmer's son. The farmer's son studied and eventually discovered penicillin, which has saved many lives including -- again -- the life of the boy in the bog.

The boy in the bog was Sir Winston Churchill (the one name I knew).

I am convinced that God has our best interests at heart, whether we believe it or not. My grandsons don't believe it, when their mom or dad say no, and I sometimes wail like they. "Why, God?" But my Lord God is the Good Shepherd who will lead me to green pastures and still water when the winter is over.

I can wail, or I can trust.

Roses?

I think I just found some roses in my desert! I wonder where the water to grow them is coming from?

The Desert

My life seems like a desert right now. Larry and I are on a caravan, going who knows where!? We can't see any end in sight to some of the life challenges, but we know that all of life isn't desert. We'll reach an oasis -- and beauty, and refreshment -- again SOMEDAY! In the meantime, one day at a time.

I remember the days when I couldn't wait till ...... Well, "till ..... " has arrived, and I'm eagerly dreaming of another "till ....." You'd think I'd have learned. Somedays I think I have, other days I find myself wishing again. "The joy is in the journey, not the destination, " I've heard it said. I need to keep working on that "Contentment" issue.

Ha! So again I see I'm a weekling! But I'm looking up!

Do I have any good stuff? TONS!

A wonderful husband who brings me oatmeal in bed EVERY morning!

Friends who will let me burn my old bills in an old burn can THEY don't even use any more!

Beautiful valley and hillsides all around.

Days that are staying above freezing.

A house that is warm, that my husband is continuing to work on.

A kitchen that I love to cook in.

Good jobs, and health insurance!

I love going to the schools (most days!).

We both can get out of bed each morning!

Our parents are doing great!

..... and much, much more.

So till the desert is past, I'll remember the good things I have going. And also remember that I'm learning to find joy in the desert. Huh! Someday just knowing it wasn't the end of the world may bring me joy!

Contentment

First we’re pacified, then constrained, told to stand, then to sit. We’re taught to consider, be wise, be bold, be gentle.

We realize we must struggle, prepare, reach, pace. And then, when we are most worn out, if not beat up by our own fears and insecurities, we wonder again about the idea of contentment. I know I can change no one but myself, but I want to see change. Do I accept the world, or wish and try to affect it?

I think I’m learning that the best method for growth is contentment. Still striving without anger or malice. Still longing without envying. Still dreaming without compromising.

And in reaching selflessly, sometimes the world changes, one spoonful at a time.

Man, I wish I didn’t have to preach this lesson to myself every day.

Terrified Shepherds?

From the stories I've heard, shepherds have to be pretty brave guys. They are roaming a "wilderness" not like the cool lush fields I've imagined. We've heard the story of David (from the Bible) killing a bear and a lion. And reaching or climbing over cliffs to rescue a wayward lamb takes some kind of courage. There's a reason we're not all rock climbers.

So why were the shepherds terrified when the angels came to announce birth of a baby in the nearby village? I heard the thot yesterday that they were in awe -- no, more than awe or amazement; actually terror -- of the Presence that they sensed. The Bible says it was "the glory of the Lord". I've been wondering just what that is.

All the things I know about God, and much more, wrapped into a "Glory"! Power, justice, strength, mercy, grace and forgiveness -- on a scale beyond my best mathematical comprehension. I can't imagine just what that would be, but I do believe the likelihood of terror. I am too weak to be all I want to be, even tho I know I should. I just mess up too often. Ask my family. Being in that presence would likewise bring ME to terror.

I don't think "the Glory" came to threaten the biblical "bouncers". The story says the angels came in peace. Somehow, that means peace for me today too -- Christmas and more. I'm still a possibility.

Whispers

I had a great day yesterday! Those hyped, hormonally-driven 7th graders again. Ha! I took along some baby candy canes and red vine licorice to keep them motivated ... and the day moved along nicely.

The fun was in watching their behavior. Who'd have expected the best students in the class to come back, begging (in their coniving ways) for another candy cane? Two even came back at the end of the day to see if I had any left! I watched an ADD kid with unreadable homework pull out his Nintendo with Sudoku on it, as he ran back and forth from laptop to desk, multitasking. I heard another student talk about a 20 yr old sister-in-law dying from leukemia. Another student told me I smelled good.

WOW! The payback for investing in a couple bags of candy. Really? Maybe it helped, but I think it came from listening, not to what they were saying, but what they weren't saying. I'm trying, but I still have a lot to learn about listening.

I'm trying to listen to the whispers of my heart. When it's frigid like today, to thoughts of those with cold homes. When I have a headache, to thoughts of those who've just found cancer. When I miss my kids, to thoughts of homeless who haven't seen theirs for much longer than I.

I need to listen.......

The Right Gift

So many things lately remind me that we're all a bunch of weaklings, trying to do the right thing.

I showed up for work an hour late yesterday -- got the days mixed up! YUCK!

Someone else is trying to improve his leadership style 'cause the family survival depends on it.

Another special person realizes how far short he falls from the abilities he thinks he needs.

We're all weak, insufficient, fumbling, NOT ENOUGH!

Maybe we're made with limitations that our Creator hopes will awaken us to our lack of invincibility. Maybe this awareness can awaken us to new relationships that will enhance our love and compassion. Maybe this love and compassion is really at the base of what every career, every obligation is about.

What do I need this season? I think I really need a greater sense of contentment. I'm not meant to save the world. I AM meant to do my best at the job where I serve today. Yesterday I needed patience -- and compassion -- for hyped, hormonally-driven seventh graders asking "how old were you when you learned about Santa Claus?" Today I need to accept that I can't make and bake all I want in the next two weeks. Tomorrow I need to just enjoy the joys of the children around me.

Sure, I'm a weakling, but not a failure. I can listen, but not fix. This Christmas I want to revel in what I have, what I can glean without accumulating. Pleasure. Smiles. Peace. Hope.

And I do believe that it exists because of the One Perfect Gift of Christmas.