What if my greatest disappointments.....

I happened onto a new song a few days ago that seems to be tying my whole life together. The book I am reading, the Japanese tsunami, the midnight headaches, an aging father with gratitude for each day’s sunshine. My perspective is changing. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1CSVqHcdhXQ, Blessings, by Laura Story)

Volume 2 of my current book series describes the look of a leper. Ugh! Worse--Scary! Ghoulish! Not to mention the abandonment of these forsaken outcasts. Leprosy is uncommon nowadays, but till the advent and understanding of hygiene and modern health standards, it was the most dreaded life condition, regardless of political unrest, weather disaster, or even familial upheaval. Undetected and untreated, leprosy begins as scaly sores that become crusty sites, consuming a victim’s flesh. The disease shrivels and sends ooze from fingers, ears, eye sockets or any other nerve center, killing nerve endings and robbing captives of sensitivity in the affected areas.

The ability to feel pain is not just beneficial from the health standpoint; pain has blessing even for the soul. If I don’t know something is broken, how will I fix it? If I don’t know I am sick, how will I get medical help? If I don’t compare bad days to good, how will I be grateful? How will I gauge what healthy condition, or financial level, to which I should return?

There is more to the lesson than comparison. There is strength in seeking joy! What sunshine is there, in the darkness of my darkest days?!

The author of my book describes the leper camp rejoicing in hope! (oh, really!) They celebrated a child born to a dying mother, gazing raptly on life in its unblemished form! They enjoyed the beauty of a day, and the joy of friendship! They knew lifelong loyalty among those with whom they lived. At great price they learned to value what they may have otherwise never known.

Early this week I had a wonderful experience – and paid a high price. It was worth the sacrifice! My weekend had been too, too busy, and by Monday morning, I needed a day of solitude and rest. Al contraire, I received a 6:30 AM call to sub a challenging class. I accepted it, knowing I needed more strength and wisdom than were in my reserve. I prayed for strength and wisdom, in the shower, on the road, through my breakfast, and as I walked to the room. This school day was the most exciting I have known all year. A teacher remembers why he or she chose to teach when kids engage, when class time becomes more exciting than taunting each other, and when they seem to understand the lesson. I admire the regular teacher of this class because of his amazing patience. This day I envied him. Things were clicking, and they were responding. Regardless what happened tomorrow, this day was a joy.

But at the end of the day, in the middle of the night, I awoke with my neck throbbing, the reminder of my rest-lacking weekend. Grabbing a cold pack from the freezer, and Excedrin from the cabinet, I dozed lightly till dawn. The headache followed me through the next day and even into a second night, but I couldn’t forget the good day at school. Relief was my first choice, but the thrilling day was worth the awful night!

Should I be subject to the least or the greatest of my dreads, I want to always find joy! If the joy can calm me now, perhaps it will “ooze” onto others who are missing refreshing breezes. I’d rather have my problems than yours! Ha! But today I am thankful to be alive!

Worth It?

If you received a special thank you like this, after driving 8 tense hours down and (another 8)back, time and again, in rain, fog, snow and slush, just wishing it was 3 instead of 8 hours -- wouldn't you also think it was entirely WORTH IT?!

Life Application

Learning is all about applying what you have heard or read. "Putting feet" to what you believe, as someone has said. Last Sunday I was privileged to listen to an "older" friend share about his life, the struggles in his wife's illness, and the opps he has to help people. He is thrilled to be friends with God, but his life is not easy.

This week I’ve noted several friends suffering. Sometimes a pot of soup helps, other times just prayer. Close friends I know have experienced loss, illness, personal tragedy, and even the unexplained.

Christ prayed passionately for his close friends, but he also walked with them through their struggles (like anger, death, business loss, injustice, illness). When he talked to God, he didn't ask that they (or we) be rescued from stress, but he offers his Presence, and Strength, and Wisdom, and wants us to try to do the same for others.

I hope you've been encouraged as you help a friend. It could be as intimate as checking all week on a sick co-worker, or even contributing disaster relief to the Japan Tsunami. We KNOW we need each other. Let's not foget it in our busyness.

Too Much Quiet

I spent the last two weeks with my girls, first in Nampa, then in Hillsboro. Great times! Just hanging out, watching late night TV, playing w grandkids, stringing beads, making earrings, eating in, and eating out--and enjoying sons-in-law as well.

The best part is getting to know my kids as adults. Seeing what they value, and how they live what they say they value. They are authentic, sincere, caring, patient. All of them. And they are not mats but models, for the rest of their families. They are growing, blooming, learning, sharing, seeking.

But sO good to get home to my mate, my good, good friend! I drove 5 hrs w only one 10 min break last Sunday. Weather wasn't worst imaginable, but far from the best. My greatest strain was the dark. My long distance vision in the dark is not what it used to be.

I'm home again, tired but catching up; thinking all this quiet is probably good for renewal. Yesterday morning a phrase from a Bible verse kept passing through my brain. "Your strength is in quietness and confidence." So I looked it up, read a lot that was before and after that part so I'd get more of a picture.

It was what I'd thought. Yuck. The quiet times have a purpose. Not just for falling asleep, or watching TV, or loosing oneself reading books or magazines. We can and should garner personal growth from the quiet times. The activities and noise of the not-quiet often keep us from really looking inward, but the quiet makes us--allows us--to do that.

First insight: I want to learn to be content wherever I am, under whatever conditions. If I don't make a decision to reach for that, I'll go crazy. God will help me all I want (not to say he will make it pure joy), but better that I set that goal now than be suddenly faced with walls of darkness that I had always fought.

Second insight: Everything will work out for the best. My quiet, my renewal, opps to connect with friends in-town and out, calls to aging parents, visits to aging friends. Seemingly too much quiet, but something I will find a way to use.

I hope you have the quiet you need, but even more, I hope you will accept what you don't have, knowing it has its season, its purpose. Everything is temporary -- at least on this side.

Enjoy the acceptance! Blessings!

New Grandma's Favorites

We have been with the grandkids this week. Quote of the week:

"Grandma, I take good care of my things. I just can't find them."

Second favorite:

Ian: "I spy something with my little eye, and the color of it is gray. And it is on someone's ear, and that someone is a grandma. What is it?"

Luke: "A germ."

(Where he got that, we'll never know, but he did mean to be funny. Dry humor. Must have got that gene from his Papa! :o)

Delayed Gratification

Fall was difficult for me this year. I was exhausted from a busy year of remodeling, change, and travel. I wanted and needed the emotional connection I get from subbing experiences, but I also felt reticent to take paying jobs that co-workers needed more than I did. I still wanted to teach, but decided to go to the bottom of the list.

So calls were few, or at least far between. It was a long dry period. What should have been a productive time at home turned into loneliness and isolation. Larry and I were still traveling -- four trips in two months -- but short connections on the road couldn't make up for friends I missed.

By the start of the new year, I became determined to get out, even if it was totally on a volunteer basis, and made arrangements to volunteer three days a week. "I'll do special projects, help in classrooms, or just observe...." I'd told the staff, "as long as it's ok that I come to the school." I was welcomed, and projects long overlooked were pulled from the bottom of the stack. I like detail work, and I like organizing. These were great solutions for my boredom.

Then the principal asked if I'd be willing to help an ESL staff member who was struggling to pass a test she needed in her work. "Of course, I'd love to!" I responded, and we immediately began meeting with Lupe after school, 3-4 PM, the three days/week I was at school. Many of those days Lupe worked with a special needs student much of the day; we studied together for an hour; then she rushed home to prepare a quick supper before returning for another 2 1/2 hours of evening childcare during the school's parent assistance programs. She worked hard, days, evenings, weekends. We became very tight friends, she very grateful for someone helping her decipher what to study, and me glad for an outlet for my "teaching" itch. I felt a purpose realized once again, and a gift given and received. Word got around about Lupe's diligent efforts, and this much loved teacher was admired again for her tenacity.

The test was today. Lupe was ready. She has gained incredible understanding of English and math in the five short weeks we've worked, and I was convinced she could easily bridge the 17 points needed to pass. I actually anticipated a 30 point climb beyond all her previous scores.

But the unexpected happened. Murphy's law? How often does injustice come to the most deserving? Too many. But how many times does the eager champion smile and say, "It's OK"? I was humbled.

Lupe had planned to arrive a little early, and was mentally and physically ready for the test. One other woman was also scheduled for the test today. She was insecure, and continually interrupted Lupe's concentration, asking Qs about the test, the restroom, and general chatter. It threw off Lupe's rhythm. She improved her score, but only gained 11 of the 17 points she needed. We were both disappointed.

Lupe told me a test proctor told her that when she next re-takes the test, if anyone else is testing, the proctor will take Lupe and the laptop into another room, to test in private. Someone else witnessed the injustice.

Why could Lupe not have received her prize today? With all her co-workers cheering and several helping her study, why could have Providence not seen fit to reward her diligence?

I think Lupe is known among the angels as an earthly saint who can be counted on to bear a cross for another. She is a very sweet spirit who communicates with intensely needy children, and can comfort and direct them, yet also care for family, co-workers, and other adults.

I was not the giver, in this story. I was the receiver. I received much more gratitude than I deserved, and also a lesson -- that I also deserved. Lupe achieved an amazing accomplishment! The greatest accomplishment was her sweet spirit, happiness regardless of the outcome! She realized this other lady, working toward the same goal, needed her kindness and patience -- and she put that ahead of her own satisfaction. She sacrificed. I did not. I was rewarded. So how many rewards were really given?

The Best Things!

It's my birthday today! Hmmmm .... what do I want?

A husband whose first words at 6 am are "happy birthday, dear" ...........

Text from a friend .............

Text from a sister ............

Call from my dad .............

6 AM text from a daughter .............

10 AM note from another daughter ..............

Yesterday's early wishes from still another daughter .............

Coffee with another friend ...........

A list of FB wishes to check and read !!!!!!!!!!!!!

What more could anyone wish for?????????????

Time with each one to just watch their faces, enjoy their joy, their love, their zest for life!

I'll continue to relish, and be thankful, and keep that time for days! No @($% or !!!! or **** can tell the thrill of sharing love. It's deep and sweet, confusing or clear, but solid and assuring.

What a wonderful time to be alive! To count each day as a gift, not only from the Giver, but from each one who shares him- or herself with me!

No better gift .......................