Rough Day

It seems like the desert of the last year still extends ahead of me. I feel so dry and empty emotionally. New and unexpected challenges pop up, and I want to run and hide -- but no where to go! Yet in 50+ years, I've learned that sitting around crying only wastes energy.

Yesterday I was cooking and sniffling, and praying that God would provide an opening if he wanted me to deal with an issue. Not an issue I want to deal with, but one I felt important. Within the hour I got a call, and the opening to deal with it. Did it go well? Nope, it didn't. Did I expect it to go well? Not necessarily. But I was just glad to hear from God, a sign that he still knows I'm here and needing him........

I just read the blog of a young 30-something that is about to undertake a life-turn that doesn't make sense to most peers, even to most 50+ ers. Our culture is about gaining, acquiring, achieving. Ha! Making plans to sacrifice and suffer (not talking literal martyrdom here, but emotional letting go and knowing it won't be easy) is not the popular trend, surely not common. But it's clearly what God calls his people to do. Doing what we know we must do at the cost of what we want to do. WOW, unpleasant. Not what I want to choose.

I admire this young person, but I also thank God for the inspiration of one other "God-follower" who is admitting anguish, yet forging ahead, fully intent on continuing commitment. She will have deserts, and then oases, as do I. My oases often seem very farrrrrrr apart. I just need to see them -- and know God is still aware of me.

She made one statement, not a verbatim quote: "...we don't have to understand God." That sums up a lot. It isn't as simple as a first glance might suggest. Of course, we'll never understand God! you might say flippantly. But I want to understand why he is allowing my desert to go so long. I want to understand why there aren't more companions to be found at my oases.

I'm re-reading a book that has taken me back through the life of King David, writer of the Psalms, killer of the lion and the bear and the giant, warrior who established the city of Jerusalem and the lineage into which Jesus was born. David was "the man" of his time, but he made some serious blunders, then returned to right living -- and did the cycle several times over. I like the story because it demonstrates how God wants to forgive us, disrespectful of who we are or what we've done. He just wants to forgive.

What jumped out to me from this recent study is how un-lucky David was in love. He married the girl of his dreams, lost her when her father stole her away and sent her off to another man. He then married other women (never a smart move, but more understandable both in the culture and considering he thought she was lost). He retrieved his first love when he became king, but by then she was too hurt and angry to love him again, and David eventually banished her. His many wives bickered, plotted for and against their sons. But it seems to me that none of these were sole mates to David. He was left alone. Just David and God.

That is a desert that must have lasted a lifetime. I have my moments with Larry but I'm SO glad to have him, his faithful, gentle, and compassionate love. David wasn't so lucky. I share my anguish with Larry, and together we go to God.

Rough day or night, God is with me. Dark clouds or sun, he sees me. I'm thankful for times he sends encouragement, but I still wonder why life has to be so tough.

But I know, he is God.