Gifts of the Season

It's still 15 days before Christmas, but they are passing fast. I need to take Jenny's gifts to the PO to mail. Then we'll be with Joy's bunch over Christmas itself, and Lora and Andrew will be in town when we return. It will be busy, and fun. A good time to enjoy family.

But hopefully a time to be reaching out to others, as well. I've been reminded many times this season of the need for reaching beyond myself. One son-in-law has been blogging about giving to others. My delivery man yesterday is facing layoff next week. Our weather has been SUPER cold, and there are many homeless in our valley.



One thing that has taken me outside my neat and tidy plans was a request for sugar cut-out cookies for a party this year. I don't know when I've made the cut-outs! I use the recipe year long, but usually just roll them in granular sugar, or maybe ice the circle. But strictly round cookies! Fast and easy! So when my friend asked me to make cut-out cookies, I said yes. I HAD asked what she'd like me to do to help. So cut-outs it was!

I had baked most of the week, thinking I needed to bake for another occasion as well. Cookies everywhere. When I showered I could smell it. Even smelled it on Larry when I kissed him good by in the morning. The house smelled of cookies. It was good.

But the cut-outs had to be iced, and the week had been busy, making the icing the last project to get done. When I got home Friday, I had to get started, and was icing when Larry got home from work. He looks forward to a night in front of the TV ("Monk" finale!) and a total veg-out. So he kept teasing and hinting about downstairs TV, but these had to all be done by noon Saturday.

Finally, he offered, "they would get done faster if I helped...." to which I replied, "yep, they would!" We iced together till about 9 pm, then again 8 to 11 on Saturday. The most fun I've had for weeks! Doing something together! We talked, teased, listened, shared. Nothing too serious to detract attention from the issue at hand. No football games in the background. No lab experiment to think about. Just icing on the hands. How do I put on the sprinkles? What do you think of this color? How shall we decorate the angels? We had a great time together.

I even CHOSE cut-outs when I needed a dessert for the next Christmas party, and he readily helped me when he walked in the door from work, taking the left-overs to a work Christmas dinner today. I didn't get any more original with decorating than we'd already done, but good responses and good taste, made it an easy repeat.

Happy times, Everyone! If Christmas is about giving, it should include more than what we can buy, or even what we can make. It should include giving our time. And if giving is better than receiving -- which we all know is true -- it's more about listening than telling. We have wonderful parents always eager to hear how all the kids are doing. They keep up by whatever means possible. A brother-in-law will grab his phone and call one of my daughters at the most unexpected times. He teases, but he listens.

Love. A gift received, that keeps on giving.

Enough for All Times

Some special friends are going through really tough times. No amount of time, money, or condolences will solve their dilemas. Friendship is important at these times, to hold one another up when we feel like more than wilting -- sometimes we wish for an emotional coma -- but friendship is all I can offer.

What I CAN do for my friends is to call upon The Giver. His help is not always considered helpful because it is mysterious, not immediately apparent tho immediately caring. He has ways of affecting time, people, moods, even perspectives. He can shed light or remain hidden. He can stop the world, and has even moved time backwards. He can open windows into other worlds, and sometimes show us we are happiest where we are.

His mystery is what makes Him bigger than me. Isn't mystery what brings droves to theater premieres? Isn't mystery what draws the lost and lonely into one last haunting quest? Mystery suggests a Force or Power greater than myself that won't be duped, depressed, or daunted as I am. That it will be my personal intro into a strength I need when life gets to be too much. We all long for that Something that is bigger, that will be enough.

We need this Force that will be "enough" for not just today's worst nightmare, but also available for the next unbelievable uncertainty.

My Giver is always available, personal, trustworthy, and comforting. He often says "wait", but that doesn't mean he's busy elsewhere, I've learned he knows holding on is sometimes best for me.

I've learned My Giver is real from a lifetime of personal connection. You don't want to hear all the personal stories, but in each one, he brought me through.

He is mysterious, but he is no secret.

He is The Giver, but also The Gift.

The Gift of Christmas.

Jesus the Christ.

Thanksgiving!

Aaahhhh.... no more worry about the house for a while.

Four angels sent from God came over to encourage, laugh with and renew me, and help me tie up the strings for company. Thank God -- so much! -- for such caring friends!!


Then arrived the grandkids, bringing Mom and Dad, exhausted from the 8 hrs in the car, driving over ice and snow, wind and rain. The first comment was, "Papa, you need to scoot your house closer to mine...."

We played playdough and puzzles,

rolled in leaves

climbed Papa's "tree house".

Went to McD's and bookstores


played legos



and studied bugs (courtesy of Papa -- of course!)

Even had birthday cake with Grandma! And all the while, read lots of books,



watched Thomas the Train dvds over and over. And had a wonderful, super-delicious, scrumptious, very good time!

Libby is fun for all of us! Dad brings out the biggest smiles in her

but Mom (esp mom!) and brothers bring a light to her eyes and she begins to talk, and talk, and talk. Such joy and thanksgiving for the wonder of a child.

So now time to clean up and get ready to go see Lora and Andrew. Missing Jenny and Jon, Emily and Paul, but hope they have a wonderful Thanksgiving too. Each time with one set of grandkids makes me wish for the long distance ones too.

So Blessings to all! and to all a Happy Thanksgiving!

Just Enough

I need something, and I need it now! I need to be able to focus on the mundane tasks of sorting, cleaning, moving, tossing, trucking -- finishing the job of setting up the house. Larry finished the steps -- they are beautiful! We've resolved to bring my sewing materials downstairs so we both can have uncluttered offices upstairs. But COMPANY IS COMING in 8 days, and they need someplace to lay their heads! I need patience, tenacity, and peace to keep at the job. There is a lot to do, and I am all alone, with too much quiet, too little mental stimulation, and yet the need to think, stay focused -- on the mundane.


Mundane is a very difficult word in my vocabulary. It's beyond my comfort zone. It's almost profane. I was made to zip from thought to thought, job to job, person to person. I think up ideas for relating to one person and another. My downfall can easily be creating more projects than I can feasibly accomplish, but half my joy is in planning. Trudging is not my idea of a joyful life.


Yet trudging through interruptions is a big part of life. That's the relationship with children, especially for a mom. Mom wants to run to the store, but kids don't want to stop play. Mom starts laundry, but kids need her to stop the overflowing toilet. She is fixing dinner or talking on the phone, but that is when fights start, things get broken, or a stranger comes to the door. Life is about trudging through interruptions.

I do better with interruptions than I do getting back to my mundane. Fact remains, mundane must be conquered. I have needed help.

So I've called on a friend who knows just what I need, just as I need it and ask for it! I've asked for manna, from someone who understands me better than I understand myself. Like walking a tightrope over a chasm, I feel precipitously anxious about getting through this, but God is carrying me. More than helping, I feel like he is making it happen.

Yesterday another friend dropped by for assistance with her sewing machine, and a brief chat, after which I made one trip to Goodwill, returned something to a store, and sorted for today's drop-offs. She took another of my donation loads, and this morning I will deliver the other. I need to make a couple more store stops, then come back and begin today's strategy.

It's happening. God is leading me across my tightrope. He waited for me to be desperate enough to trust him. Two days now he's come through , and I really don't feel he's going to chuck me into the chasm. Still would rather not be over the chasm but I've got to get to the other side.

Heard a good line in a song Sunday that stuck. Sorry I don't know who to credit, but the lyrics reminded we must "see the cloud to find the silver lining".

My God is giving me just enough this week. Enough to get me through. Enough to see one more time that he has the resources (of course) but also empathy, and sympathy, for me, to give me what I really need, when I ask, trust, and let him.

Another day. Another prayer. Trust and trudge!

Victory!

What a World!

This week has been ...... well, it's been there.

I ran my cell phone through the washing machine on Monday. When I found it, I took out the battery hoping a drying out might save me, even put phone and battery in rice. No luck. The one I saved for insurance? The last phone I had? I apparently turned in its power charger, mistaking which one would work with that phone.

Last night with Larry at home WITH ME I accomplished more in moving the house around than I have in a month! This mess PARALYZES me. (I used to stay away from my dorm during exam time in college -- because there was no time to clean and organize.) I can't find things, and can't remember if I put them somewhere the first time, second, or third time I moved them!

And this morning I got up to finish some financial tracking I'd worked 3-4 hours on yesterday. Again with all this hectic mess of '09, I've had a hard time keeping track of bills OR paying them. Recently a local cop stopped me and pointed out that my car tags were overdue, and he'd called in to find out if they were paid and just not on. NOPE! I was supposed to renew in Nov 08. It was mid-Oct 09. Such a merciful man! He must have a mid-fifties mom like me! He let me off withOUT the $250 fine.

Oh, the excel sheet from yesterday? I'd worked and organized and entered data, and apparently didn't save it on my laptop, and this morning I couldn't find it anywhere. It's possible I did save it -- feel like I remember saving it repeatedly -- but who knows where! I spent a couple hours and have it up again.

So, is it really "only the world"? I know it is.

I still feel like crying. Because I kept waking all night long. I'm tired today.

But I have too many good things to be thankful for give in to the crying. I'll be OK.

It's all just temporary.

Darkest right before the dawn.

Takes both sunshine and rain to make a rose.

A diamond is a piece of coal that stuck to the job.

I'm hanging on!

It's ONLY the World!

I'm so excited with the message of this song by Mandissa! I listened to the words on the radio as I was crossing the Blue Mountains Friday afternoon. Don't get me wrong, but I've never really been excited about Heaven before. I believe that God wants to give us the glory of his Presence, and the blessing of his strength and power while we are still here on earth. So why are we aching to escape our miseries when the eternal existence of people we care about is at stake?! There are soooooo many people who don't have a clue as to the HOPE and JOY and PEACE we can know with a relationship in Jesus. No preaching intended -- this is where my passion is. I haven't wanted to leave earth till these can understand the safety in Christ.

But this song has really pushed my buttons! Yep, it's been long and hard lately, and Yep, I still want to keep at it for the sake of these people I love. One has just found me on facebook and been writing back and forth every day this past few days. I want to be an encouragement to everyone, but some days I just feel like crawling under a rock and shriveling up.

There are two ends to this emotional tug-of-war. Man, Life has been hard -- but IT'S ONLY THE WORLD! It's temporary. Something much better is just around the corner. The song says, "ain't no way I'm giving in" -- that uplifts and encourages me to keep on!
Hope it likewise encourages you to remember -- IT'S ONLY THE WORLD!

http://www.stlyrics.com/songs/m/mandisa26648/onlytheworld1287582.html

(PS. This "http" line is called a "link". Click on it and it will take you to another web page where you can click on a "u-tube" video and hear the song sung, also see the words.)

Home Again

Just returned from a visit with the grandkids, trying to help Mom and Dad out with the rigors of everyday/ 24-7 parenting. It's a hard life! They are doing all the right things, and it's still hard. Sad to say, I think it's supposed to be. I think these hard times -- times when there is never enough help -- show us we are right where God can show us HE will take care of the really important stuff.

I referred many times lately to a book I found last spring called "Manna", meaning the food God gave his wandering Israelite children as they trekked from Egypt to Canaa, from uncertain misery to uncertain hope. I need to read the book again. It stablized me through some hard times. I'm hearing family now finding encouragement in reading it.

Sadly, I need to walk away from the grandkids and entrust them to the care of those good parents, but even more, that loving Creator who not only can, but wants to do more than I can. I need to let Him provide that "manna". Though I wish to be there, I realize the separation is good for both them and for me. Thank you God, for the "grandma fixes" but thank you for showing me what wonderful things you are doing in them.

PS. We tried for grandkid pics with me on the last morning. Joy took 5 or 6, trying for one when everyone was smiling, looking, not drooling (or spitting), not rolling to one side or the other. I wanted to show the progression of how "it takes a series" to get a picture. BUT...... I forgot my camera, at her house. Other things recently forgotten? My car tags .... 10 months after renewal date. Yes, 2 months BEFORE the NEXT renewal date.

Home again. Back to the drawing boards, looking for today's manna.

PPS. Here's one shot.

The Good Stuff

The house is coming together, as fast as we can realistically do it. I still wish it were all completely done. I'm a short term project person. Sewing, cleaning, financial projects -- about any kind -- I need to be able to complete in either a day, or a few days. Otherwise it's like a grain of sand in my teeth. My steadfast Larry turns projects into art, and I adore them when they are done, but I still thrill more to one job done so the next one can be begun.

Our entryway is gorgeous, and the steps, going both up and down, are a masterpiece! Larry took two days off work during the spring, before the summer spin began, and laid the entry tiles. No one could guess it was his first time to lay tiles -- unless they knew Larry. Whatever project Larry chooses, it will be done to perfection. He spent more time bouncing to hear those steps squeak -- so he could find EXACTLY where the squeaks came from -- than it probably took to do all the work. BUT! the steps DO NOT SQUEAK anymore! What a guy!

My part? I painted, and painted, and painted. I actually like painting, but 6 weeks of it is definitely over-the-top for Linda. I need conversation, so our contractor was my salvation while he was finishing flooring, installing closet organizers, laying baseboard, even hanging doors. I tried not to chatter too much. If at any time you've seen me replying rather quickly to your emails, understand you may have been my only contact during the day. I've learned a lot, even from the plumber, but I'm certainly not ready to do their jobs!

The house now? We are thinning down almost 32 years of "stuff" accumulation. I have passed on clothes, furniture, dishes, books, and fabric that I don't want anymore. There will be much more to go, I'm sure. These days the house holds little appeal for me if no one is there to share it.

Do I like the outcome? Oh, yes, it is wonderful! Do I need it? I think what I need most is order and the freedom to enjoy days at school. I look forward to coming home with stories and time to put up my feet and laugh with Larry at the kids. And Larry loves my stories.

Speaking of stories! I have new lines from the kids in Idaho. The first came when Mom had told company that Luke and Ian had iced the cupcakes for dessert. Company said, "thanks! you guys for making those cupcakes. They were incredible!" (or something on that order). To which Ian, the older cupcake-maker replied, "I'm glad you enjoyed them!" The intended approval was netted, to the point of Mr. 5-yr-old asking later, "Does anyone else want to say thank you for making the cupcakes?" Oh, the honesty of a child! Just show me you love me!

The next line came when both boys received new polar fleece blankets in their favorite character designs. They were elated, and showed their gratitude with multiple thank-yous, continuous sharing of the blankets, and even more blankets covering. Luke, our snuggler, kept asking Mom, "do I get to sleep with my new blanket?" "Yes, you do, Lukie." "Grandma, I REALLY love my blanket." Eventually Mom completed the mom-rounds a woman must make before she can sit down and rest, and then she sat alongside Luke. He'd snuggled with Grandma all evening, joking, pretending, reading books, but he turned to Mom, "Mom, you're my best friend." Aaahhh, all's right with the world when Mom is around.

So a house? It's a warm blessing to live in. At least, I'm thankful it's warm, and it's definitely a blessing as long as it isn't a burden. But would I rather have the house or the warm bodies that cover me till I sweat, just to say "I love you, Grandma"? Do you really need to ask?

Warm bodies, hands down! Love keeps me working when I hear no conversation. Love keeps me listening to feet looking for the squeaks! And love makes those steps perfect for me.

A warm body is the only good stuff. A house can burn, or blow away, or be outdone by someone down the street. A house is cold and empty -- without "the good stuff."

Children

A week ago I accompanied a 4th grade class to the Salmon Festival. Big, important event in the Northwest (no lie!) where salmon are a part of our heritage, our economy, our education, our conservation. Fall is when salmon begin the upstream climb to their beginnings, to start the next generation. The salmon journey holds many stories of instinctive determination and amazing feats, despite the interference of man. Conservationists fear we will run them to extinction, but other stories tell how salmon bounty is pilfered. Wow! We're a mixed-up people.

Nonetheless, teaching our kids about the world around them is important, not to mention exciting. It's thrilling to watch the kids' discoveries, so I needed only one invitation to come along.

The teacher I accompanied has 31 students. Most El Ed teachers like a class of 20-24. These kids are "squirrley", a word the principal likes to use. Good kids! Just four times the energy we have, and 1/4 the sense of how to use it! Ha! So Teacher had arranged 5 chaperones, to coordinate.

The day was well planned, an expanded program from 14 years ago when I last attended. We saw 6-10 varieties of live, chained falcons and other birds of prey, then moved to an inside lecture to an outside maze, to a fish ladder (where fish jump upstream), to a hike, to candy and pop and lunch, to a native American dance and display. My five kids were exciting! ranging from squirrley-squirrley boys to giddy girls. I hadn't seen them since last May, so branding names fast was a challenge. But fun! Fun with the arm around the shoulders, reminding, "OK, get the candy, but wash the fish food off your hands first...." or "guys, guys! back this way." It was a constant counting to see where my five had dissolved.

Yesterday I returned to help with reading in this same classroom. Madame Teacher is great, and part of her skill is her plan for repetition and reward. It was my privilege to watch and learn from her. Reading ended in an hour, but I returned later to observe more.

At the beginning of my time yesterday, she handed me 5 letters written by the students I had accompanied. Larry insisted on reading them. He has become as eager to hear my school stories as I am to tell them. I handed him the first letter, prefacing his read with my opinions of the boy: the quietest of the bunch, hispanic, didn't say a word to me all day till we walked away from the native American displays, then "I'm an Indian. There are Indian tribes in Mexico." That insight shocked me, but his letter showed more. Concise neat printing with more things listed to thank me for than any other student! An 9-yr-old diamond in the rough!

Then the squirrliest of the bunch who talks with his eyes, but you're never sure all he's trying to say. His letter was short and sweet, but his eyes are always talking.

And the sweet and prissy little red-head whose letter Larry said sounded like someone wrote it for her, so grown-up and thoughtful! Or the other two beautiful girls whose letters were likewise gracious and sincere.

Children have the greatest abilities to bless, of any creature on earth, but they also can cause the greatest hurt. They reach into our hearts, and may also run off again. They react, and may not understand. They express but aren't sure what they really mean. They are treasures that bring joy and sorrow. They are honest glimpses of our inner selves.

Loving children requires vulnerability, one of the most important gifts a person can give himself, yet one of the scariest. With it comes opportunity to see into the depths of human love, with the risk of not understanding the other person. Still, without it one will never get past the surface of kindness, to experience being valued, accepted, chosen.

Sometimes I struggle even now and want to protect myself from the people I love -- not just family. I'm tired of being tired, tired of being hurt, tired of being sad. What's the alternative? Miss the joys of being loved by a child? Withhold investment in their lives and never know their affection and admiration? Refuse someone's 2nd, 3rd, or 4th chance to prove himself, and miss one more polished diamond gleaming in the world?

Children are more than a gift, they are therapy. Most are honest about what they think. They reflect our own true intentions, perhaps on different levels or at different times. But they want to forgive. One teacher told yesterday of going to a disruptive child to discuss his negative behavior. The teacher expressed the problem, and the child said a simple, "OK." The child then went for a book, handed it to the teacher, climbed in his lap, sat while the teacher read the book, then willingly accepted correction.

I would benefit if I could accept my lessons that easily.

I'm the LUCKY ONE

I'm at my youngest daughter, Lora's house right now. She invited me! For a week! The other daughters have also invited me and I've had great times with them, but visits with them are shared. Shared with hubbys, grandkids, their dad, and simply, their jobs. Life is B-U-S-Y and harried. So unshared time with an adult child is a rare delicacy not to be taken lightly.

Lora's husband Andrew and his dad are having special time right now, so rather than leave Lora alone, they suggested inviting me so we could have time. What an idea! What a privilege! What an opportunity!

Yesterday we explored Portland (benefit of Tom-Tom) and visited Powell's Book Store, dubbed the largest bookstore in the world. Take your cell phone (for re-connecting) a friend or two, and plan to enjoy all morning or afternoon perusing the category, subject, or even author of choice! Yesterday I was in the Red Room, where I moved among a good dozen or more wall-high rows. Lora moved to the "room" of her choice, and then we reconnected in the Purple Room to look at children's books before we left. We would have stayed hours except that we had an evening appointment already scheduled.

We'd had lunch together, then supper leftovers at home. Tonight we'll try another of the cuisine varieties of the neighborhood. The prize isn't not having clean-up; it's the blessing of uninterrupted focused attentive conversation. Two people who care about each other having the gift of time to give one another.

I don't want to take this for granted. Lora will soon have the 9-5 commitments that make these days rare. Thereafter little "Loras" and little "Andrews" will interrupt dinner conversation. We'll plan visits, and the nights out will be us staying with kids so they can maintain sanity. I would never trade any of it.

I love the visits with any of my kids. Watching grandkids interact, watching my kids do the parenting, playing with grandkids and having them laugh at me or pull on my pants. Getting a five-minute call from Joy as she runs from her work-out time to kiddie pick-up, or a 10:15 call from Jenny when Jon works late and she's bored. I'm the Lucky One!

I'm "lucky" to have kids who want to talk to me, kids who will walk down the street with me, kids who will share needs and blessings, and ask me to pray for them.

I'm also lucky that their dad still comes home to me -- just me. That he makes me breakfast every morning unless I say I don't want it. That he will give up things HE wants to do on the house, to preserve my sanity.

It is more than luck, much more. It's blessing. It comes from the One who made us all, who gave us all free choice, speaking to these dear ones, leading their thoughts and choices. Yes, it started with faithful love and dedication twenty-plus years ago, but the choice to continue is fed by faith from the One.

Undoubtedly they've all had times I've disappointed them. I screw up even when I mean well! I can remember seeing some "let-down" looks when I've said or done the wrong thing. They've forgiven me. God forgives me!

All in all, I still think I'm pretty lucky, blessed, fortunate......

And I say thank you to all of them. Best winning of a lifetime!

My Mission

My new "best book" is by Leonard Sweet, "Out of the Mystery... Into the Question" speaking of relationships we have with one another, and with God, all stemming from how we are made and why we are made. VERY thought provoking read.

Today I swallowed a story that clenches my heart and describes my calling. It relates a story of Israeli Christians preparing for a seige during the 1983 Arab-Israel War in Beirut, Lebanon. The plan was for these Christians to buy up all the canned food they could find, in preparation for distribution during the seige. They were unsure how to distribute, whether 1) to give first to their members, to other Christians, and then to Muslim neighbors, or 2) to give first to Muslim neighbors, next to other Christians, and then to their members. Finally one quiet woman among them offered, "if we do not demonstrate the love of Christ in this place, who will?" They chose Option #2.

We all want to "do good", and yet we all "mess up". Another line I read in this book this morning cited the truth that Christians are not "special" people. They are messed up people who Christ makes special by his love going through them.

One of my favorite lines comes from a song I haven't heard for quite a while: ".... the saints are just the sinners who fell down and got up...." I need to get up, and look up, over and over and over.

Let's walk together, and we'll help each other up.

You Can ..... Smile

So we're back in our bedroom, enjoying sooooooo much our bed and our space, but there are still lots of details to complete. I decided to try and install another doorknob last Wednesday morning. Still not dressed for the day, I was just piddling around.

Some of these new doors won't latch, whether because the drilled door holes don't match up exactly with the holes in the hardware, or because I haven't installed them perfectly -- ? That really drives Larry crazy. Me? I figure it will close eventually. That's why Larry is the scientist and I'm am PR.

This Wednesday morning, I decided to install the latch mechanism in the doorknob hole first, and then see how easily the door would close and open. Forgot that I really needed the complete doorknob installed to open the door again.

I also forgot that I needed to be on the hall side of that door -- if I wanted to do other things till Larry got home and showed me how to open it again. SO I forgot to add the doorknobs. I forgot to stand OUTside of the room when I closed the door to test the smoothness of the latch.

I locked myself in the room. In my night clothes. With only a window for escape. No working phone. No ladder. No dark to hide me.

At first I thought I'd surely figure a way to get the latch open. Fooled with the screwdriver on the mechanism parts. Next I decided I needed to watch for someone passing the house, who might hear me call. Finally a neighbor walked out of her house, started to get into her car, and I yelled down to her, "up here, in the window, it's Linda Pusey, and I'm locked in a room."

We verified that I needed Larry (skipping all the whys), and she called 3 numbers before he answered. Yes, I had to wait while they both laughed at the reason I needed him home. Then, while I waited, all the humiliation hit me -- and I almost cried.

He drove into the driveway, called out and came into the house. He opened another doorknob package in another room, and together, we pieced together what we needed to open the door. Did he have a big grin on his face? DEFINITELY!

Larry had to run to a luncheon meeting, so no time to console me. When he arrived home in the evening, I'd been weeding in my back garden beds for about 3 hours. Great distraction. Forget the hardware for today. Again that big grin. "Did everyone at your meeting have a good laugh?" "No, I only told one person, and he told me his wife did something similar one time...."

OK, I guess many of us do "dumb" things time to time. This about tops my list. These things just seem to happen to me.

So for today, I'll try and again remember "it's not what happens to you that counts, but how you react to it."

CHEESE!

The "Sweetness" of "Labor" Days

A long time ago I read that "... waiting makes the blessing sweeter when it arrives." Sorry, but I've focused too many times on the "... when it arrives...." part, and missed the "sweeter" part. I need to remind myself because I know it's true!

I talked to each of our daughters last week, and heard amazing things in their voices. I heard insight, maturity, peace, and patience. The oldest just turned 29! WOW! A lot happens in 29 years! I'm seeing a lot of "sweetness" flow from my girls as I watch them deal with life: the "sweetness" of wisdom, grace, and patience.

We've slept in our "new" bedroom for 3 nights now. Oooooohhhhhh! How thankful we are for our bed, for space, for access to our clothes once again. We've yet to wipe the construction dust and dead spiders from our new bathrooms and use them -- but the view is inspiring! Wow! We're so very thankful for abilities, friends, and funding to rebuild.

I wonder if I'd have appreciated the gift of the remodel as much if it had come in a painfree month's time away from home. Would I have missed my queen bed as much had I not spent 3 months with Larry's bony elbows in my sides each night? Would I have longed for order as desperately had I not been prisoner to disorder? Thank goodness, the busy-ness of summer took us away from our mess more times than we thought we liked, but maybe that was my emotional anesthesia for the pain of the labor.

Still lots to do. Saturday was consumed with assembling a file cabinet. I am a "designer" but not a "manual follower", and I can't count how many times I realized I'd missed a step in the instructions as I jumped from picture to picture. The job took a looooonngg time for me to complete. I screwed in the bottom coasters 3 times: 1st to install, 2nd when I realized I had the back on the front, and 3rd when I realized I had the back of the cabinet facing the front -- and the drawers wouldn't close.

Sunday was a day of fun, after 3 weeks of painting walls, trim, and nailholes, and focusing, focusing, focusing on a labor driving me crazy! We looked for bookshelves all over town, went to a movie (half an hour early, and gorged ourselves with the popcorn refill!), then came home still enjoying respite from focusing on labor.

Today I must first do some basic laundry and cleaning, then I want to continue installing doorknobs and covering nail holes. I need to paint new doors, unpack and organize our endless "stuff". And sometime peek at life outside the remodel, to see how I reconnect survival at home with survival in the wild.

Larry will get back to a paper that must come together before the end of the month. I must remember to anticipate the sweetness of its completion! I must remember to anticipate the sweetness of many tomorrows.

Last night's "Extreme Home Makeover" focused on people with disabilities. The line that grabbed me was "... focusing on possibilities rather than problems." WOW! I need that!

Life seems full of waiting. While I'm waiting, I'm going to focus on the "sweetness".

Moving Back IN!

Tonight SHOULD be the night! Wish it were a daytime move, but a long evening is the best we can do. Cords to upload pics of our "new home" are still packed, so JUST WAIT!

Last night Larry was just too tired to move furniture despite the riveting anticipation. Our bedroom is ready, but he wasn't. He'd had a long day at work, and I'd had a short night before. It's amazing how tired we both are of the process.

The bedroom is ready, but Larry's office and my workroom yet need trim paint, outlet plates, doorknobs, new door hinges, new door paint and some touch ups before we can move in furniture. (Ooops! there's cleaning needed too!) I'm learning to do quite a few things for myself! Bill even showed me how to install the smoke detectors that have set in the box since we bought them 4 years ago!

But we're so grateful for our house, upgraded or not. We're grateful for space, and privacy, and climate control, and ownership. We're grateful for a dependable contractor who is also a trustworthy friend, who worked us into many of his busy days. We're grateful for years of pinching that paid off a mortgage early so we can now afford the remodel. And we're grateful for a grace-ful Creator who has picked me up each time I've been about to blow, and kept Larry from saying things he might have regretted when he didn't understand my frustration....... Remodel is tough, especially when you're living in it. But we still love each other!

Tonight we'll have a new floor, access to our dressers, and more of our clothes (of those I find on the first-day-back), and our very comfy queen bed -- THANK GOD! after 3 months of elbowing each other all night long. Whenever any of you visit us, we'll henceforth be extra thankful you are willing to be with us at the cost of suffering cramped night quarters. Oh, we're so spoiled!

I watched "Home Makeover Edition" on Sunday night, with the tv crew rebuilding and furnishing a home for a family of 13, 7 of whom were Haitian orphans adopted by a young Ohio couple. Sounded like our cramped life had been their norm, compounded by Mom's ongoing illness after 3 strokes and liver disfunction. I've never been more moved by the contribution of the crew, sponsors, and team players recruited for a project. Even the local university was enticed to bless all the children with full-ride scholarships.

I'm thankful once again for what I have! I'd still be OK with a smaller, less improved place, as long as I could keep it clean and neat, and maybe someday that will be my lot. Whatever! As Larry has said, this is just temporary.

So thank God for TODAY! For health and strength, for inspiration and friends, for hope and opportunity! Time to go bless someone else!

Gotta Remember!

I gotta remember it! I know it's always true! So know matter if I'm a long ways from hindsight.....

All things work out for the best if we trust God. Can't say they always work out for the best when we don't, cause I've known of some people whose hard times went from bad to worse. My attitude--remembering to trust, to grow, to not necessarily fix, and that I'm not responsible for the overall outcome--has a lot to do with my survival in the meantime. Why do I have so much trouble remembering these points on a daily basis?!

Partly being overwhelmed. Partly not reminding myself. Partly trying to figure things out.

Trying to figure out isn't necessary--maybe not even beneficial.

Keep my eye on the One who has put me here........

To just be faithful, kind, loving, dependable, learning, sharing, hoping, guiding, helping.....obeying.

So now I need to get back to work! And then rest well, and lay it all down at the end of a day, no matter how the day unfolded.

Blessings as you trust!

What's the Truth?

I have a new "best book". A friend loaned several to Larry and I, and of this latest, Larry kept telling me, "Linda, you're going to love this one..." and now I've finally got my teeth into it.

It's entitled, "Out of the Question, Into the Mystery", and I won't try to summarize, but rather let you wonder, and possibly look for the book for yourself. The author is Leonard Sweet, and he's offered some tantalizing (I'll skip the pun!) thoughts.

One thought that has stuck with me this week, is that there is no truth apart from relationship. A situation occurs: I think I understand exactly what transpired! I witnessed the TRUTH for myself! No excuses, no deception, I know what I saw! Then someone comes along and adds to the picture of what I witnessed, and suddenly the truth changes.

Example: I know a friend who has let go of the values he held for years. He was one of the most dependable people I knew. Why did he choose to go against not only his declared position, but also hurt the people closest to him? I know I can't answer that. I have ideas. I wonder if he came to the point where he wondered what really was truth, if the values he'd claimed where worth fighting for. I wonder if he'd ever really made them his own. I had a relationship with him in the past, and that makes me wonder about his current choices. I think he's a better man than his choices make him look.

I also think that relationship is the thing I can offer him now, grace and acceptance without flaying his personality or lifestyle, without questions or conditions. Man, all persons have freedom of choice, first under God, and then as American citizens -- as long as we don't infringe on the liberties of others. The vulnerability of relationship allows for hurt and disappointment, but the truth is only his to know or share.

I know many examples where someone has done something I don't understand. My first reaction is often irritation, but I catch myself and wonder. What is the truth behind the "obvious"?

I don't understand why God allows much of what happens in the world. I wonder if the "free will" idea and covers some or all of it. Many good things have come as a result of bad things. Wonderful opportunities have grown from terrible disappointments and disillusionment. (Larry and my meeting is a perfect example of that!) But why does the mechanic who works just as hard as Larry lose his job, and Larry still has work? Why does a friend's marriage seem unfixable, but my husband listen to my pleas, and we keep improving the blend?

The more I seek to "get into" God, the more I trust Him. I know He came up with all the original ideas of life, from the laws of nature and the mysteries of the human body to the complicated facets of interpersonal relationships. Still He somehow intertwined all these facets of Divine Intelligence with a gentleness, a firm order, a justice that always makes sense in hindsight. Man, hindsight is bitter before experiencing, sweet in the aftermath. God is good. Like it or not, He is. He's pleasant, refreshing, safe, sweet, sensible, and oh, so good.

I think I want truth, but I'm realizing how unready I am for it. I have to grow before I'm ready to accept it. It's so much bigger than my own personal grace is.

The truth is, I'm learning about truth, and daily getting to know the Source of Truth, Who is Truth Himself.

Ok, let's finish today, and get ready for tomorrow.

Your Favorite SuperHero

Joy, Lora and I are learning more and more about the life of the male species as we watch Ian and Luke grow. Right now (and prob for several years to come) the boys are most excited by superheroes. As reward for great performances at the family wedding last week, Dad and Mom bought each boy a new transformer (or toy that looks like one thing but can be "transformed" into another -- I just "watch", don't want to break the toy).

Ian loves STARSCREAM. I may google the name to learn more about him. I HAVE learned (from watching a show with Ian yesterday) that Starscream is a character in intergalatic rivalry. Watch out for Starscream! What impresses Ian with this character?!

Sunday morning, a few hours after the wedding and prizes awarded, Dad (Jer) was trying to focus Luke and Ian's minds on getting ready for church. Shoe searches, sock reversals, wipe the applesauce or finish the pancake. "So who do you guys want to hear about today in Sunday School? Do you want to hear about Joshua (the battle hero who toppled city walls with a VERY small army in their Jericho dvd)? Or Samson (who Ian calls "Deli-ah", after Samson's girlfriend--another dvd) who was also strong?! Or maybe David who killed a giant with a little stone!"

Strength and power grab these little guys attention. WOW! Imagine how peer pressure could affect them even now! Just one person who seems to have more "power" than another!

Ian's reply: "I like Jesus. He's the most powerful." Kind of stops you dead in your tracks. Not because he's seen Jesus knock somebody across the galaxy, for sure. Why didn't he choose a hero that he's seen exhibit great power in a video or even book?

I think it was because of the words of Mom and Dad. Kids will believe anything that Mom or Dad say, thus the importance of parents, their consistency, and their nurturing relationship with children. Why did Ian believe Jesus is the most powerful? Because Mom and Dad say that he is! In a few years Ian will want more proof, and he will have accumulated more stories and experiences to back up the "power" idea, (and hopefully someday "know" Jesus himself). What kind of power will the boys look for? Well, what kind of power impresses the rest of us? Wealth, control, strength, influence are all "powers" we see exhibited. But we grown-ups tire of people trying to control others with wealth, influence, or physical strength.

I read somewhere that "there is nothing so strong as gentleness, nothing so gentle as real strength." And I think this appropriately describes the Creator of all. What superhero maintains his position by accepting, forgiving, loving, encouraging?! What superhero holds back the forces of nature to let a bird or baby walk across a road? And what holds back the Mighty Columbia or the lofty Cascades to let the bold and the restless float or climb to the most daring pinacles! Nothing but a gentle power that delights in OUR pleasure at HIS Power.

Perhaps the favorite superheroes right now are really Mom and Dad, and eventually other heroes will fit the values Ian and Luke will have chosen. Kids WANT to learn, they want reactions, they want to know boundaries, they want our attention, they want to know we are keeping them safe! We can give choices and still give influence. We can give options without controling their futures. We can allow consequences in preparation for their introduction to the messy world.

I'd like to be a superhero, but even more, I want them to know where I get my superpower -- it's not my own!

More Grandkids' Quotes

After the birthday party, during the clean-up and throwing out of leftovers, from our 4 1/2 yr old "sage", ".... now SAVE the CAKE!"

While enjoying a fun experience, 3 yr old Luke let Grandma know, "... I wanna do it one more time, and one more time, and one more time."

Only What is Worthwhile

Larry and I tirelessly play a repeating “Sounds of the Rainforest” CD while we sleep, night after night after night. This morning as I lay half awake, I envisioned images for the sounds. I see a garden with heavy foliage, sunrays bright in spots but faint in others, with a peaceful waterfall in the coolest, shadiest spot, some birds chirping, some gawking.

Next I transferred these sounds to our lives. We are living through a rainforest-time in our lives. God is the sunlight we see brightly in some spots, faintly in other places. The waterfall is peace away from sunlight. Sometimes people and events around us are like pleasant chirping, other times more like loud gawking. We walk through this forest day after day, returning again for the refreshment of God’s assurances, sometimes strong and assertive, other times subtle and demure.

Today before we hit the floor and started showers, I asked Larry to pray for our focus. We have too much chaos, too many crises, too little time and energy. Thank God for the rainforest escape! So Larry prayed. I love hearing his soul-expression, with word phrases I don’t often use. His word pictures come from a sincere and earnest heart that always seeks God’s direction.

He prayed for only 2 or 3 minutes, but what stuck with me was his request, “God, help us spend ourselves only on what is worthy of our time.” Good point, good prayer. What might be alluring is not always worthy. Discouraging talk? Certain TV? Worry? Wishing for the future?

God, help me spend my day on what is worthwhile. Not that every minute has to be productive, but help me not knowingly go where my fortitude or ambition will be torn down. Help me seek friends that bring sunshine and waterfalls. When I plan my rest, lead me to people of hope!

What goes in must come out. What I take in will evidence itself. As water reflects a face, so a man's heart reflects the man, says Proverbs.

Today, remembering I have a rainforest is worth my while!

Something Else?

Yeah..... which "something else" shall I begin today?

During college I collected quips, starting with a couple amazing books called "Apples of Gold" and "Wings of Silver". I chose from those quotes that struck me the most, then additional ones I found any and everywhere else. One quote that has stuck with me came from a story about a missionary in China who was terribly sick, and needed the healing power of oranges. A Chinese friend walked 3 days over the mountains (and back) to get him those oranges. These two men's lives were cemented forever. The conclusion was "If you want someone to become your friend, ask him to do you a favor." That makes the receiving a little easier when I think of it in light of giving the friend gratitude, and the privilege of blessing ME.

Another quip, "If you don't stick your neck out, you'll never get your head above the crowd."

"A diamond is a piece of coal that stuck to the job."

"Roses, like thorns, need sunshine and mud."

Life doesn't settle down too often. Up the road a few years I'm hoping for a small orderly house, days to spend drinking coffee (or tea for me) till 10 am, and both of us sleeping 10-7. There will come a time to retire from the demands we face now. We won't FOREVER be displaced from our bedroom, just like a toddler won't FOREVER be in diapers. But obviously that time isn't now.

Now is time in the trenches, with life happening around us that sometimes seems like war. It's too busy, too confusing, too controversial. I hate seeing the stress Larry is under, and I ask him every morning what time he woke. Usually it's 4:30, after a 10:30 to-sleep. His doctor told him he should try to get more sleep. His life is just too stressful.

So I do something else in the meantime........ I remember that God is making a diamond out of him. I've seen that diamond cut and polished the last few years, till it's appearance and shine only faintly resemble the stone I knew 10 years ago. I note that God is growing me in boldness and teaching me to listen for his smallest voice. Thirty years ago, no one would have ever called me bold; not even ten years ago. Now I see standing up not as boldness but as obedience, and I'll do it only when I feel absolutely led by my Maker. Fewer and fewer people's disapproval scares me.

Today I'm making ring bearer's pillows for Larry's neice's wedding in two weeks. Love it! Love the opportunity to be a little creative, and even more, to contribute some help. Love creating the bow ties for two little grandsons as they walk sheepishly -- yet with those onery eyes -- down the aisle. At least I hope they both walk.

And also in the meantime, I keep working on our "construction site". We can start on flooring in our bedroom tonight, and hopefully start moving back in within a few days. PLEASE pray we do the floor quickly!

Another quote from a dear friend of my dad's, Reuben Welch, "... when you think nothing is happening, something is happening." This work on the house has bonded Larry and I -- sometimes after tough discussions, but as we strive to listen to each other's hearts. As I wait on God, I'm seeing the little signs of his handiwork in myself and others that weren't present before. And as I long to see change, I remember he is the "site foreman" overseeing all, and I'm just a workman.

My "something else in the meantime" is my everyday, often fun, often hard. I want to become a diamond that stuck to the job of tough, ordinary living.

More Than I Asked For!

Larry and I bought property three years ago where we thought we'd like to build a retirement home. Yep, three years ago that sounded good. After a year-and-a-half of living in a construction zone, my mindset has shifted. Neither of us think the same now as we did then. But to sell........ Not a possibility. No one wants it, and it's worth half what we paid (are paying!), just like the dilema half of America now faces.

Larry's greatest desire is to do his best at everything, especially his stewardship. He's second-guessed this transaction repeatedly, wondering if we made a mistake. Lots of properties had doubled in one year prior to the time of our purchase, but had we listened to the wrong voice?

I've tried to reassure him that I really felt God affirming this to me at the time we bought it. That WAS 3 years ago, and clouds have darkened dramatically since then. Yes, I've even had my own doubts.

Yesterday I left Nampa and the Stocketts to get back to my "real life". Before I left town, I decided to check on our property and see who now owned the recently-sold house adjacent to our lot. Just getting our name before the new owners and our willingness to consider "creative" ideas might provide openings to a future re-sale, I thought. I knocked and was welcomed by associates in a new social services coordination agency. What a relief to learn the new residents would be good, reliable, trustworthy neighbors! Living far away makes for lots of ignorance (about responsibility and condition of the property), which leads to trust -- sometimes justified, sometimes not. We were very fortunate with the previous owners, and I was very grateful to see the new ones would be just as safe.

But right before I left, the office manager took me to meet the business owner. I can't describe my amazement when the door opened to reveal a gentleman Larry and I have recently met through our Wenatchee church. This gentleman is helping our church assess its strengths and weaknesses, and prepare for calling our next pastor. He is a man whose integrity has been proven by his life choices, the affirmation of many associates, and his own wise counsel. He is accountable to many people, and prioritizes God and family over the accumulation of things. In addition, I learned that his company works with our son-in-law's company, and one associate in the office already knew Jeremy's name.

I talked with Paul for about 30 minutes. Both of us were flabbergasted at the "coincidence". We discussed some business details, but of greatest note to me was the fact that God knew who would buy here. He knew before we ever made the purchase. He knew what would happen to the market. He knew how we would struggle. We are very curious what more He will do! but the assurance of His involvement leaves me speechless!

I drove for 3 hours, unable to tell anyone! Joy was busy with the kids. Larry was in a meeting. No one else would get the impact I was feeling. I didn't know whether to bawl or scream (with excitement). MY GOD HAS BEEN WORKING! (yeah, duh!)

I CHOOSE to look up. I MAKE myself look for God's promises and hope. Everyday I make a DECISION to live above the drudgery of uncertainty. But I still struggle with doubt and fear. Satan throws "what if's" at me, and even if I duck, I see them whirring by. Then I remember the struggle isn't bad, but the giving in to despair is!

THANK YOU GOD for the assurances you send my way! You don't owe me anything! You don't have to prove yourself to me, or keep calling to tell me you're still watching. You don't have to bless me with loving family, or A/C (in 105 temps!!!), or a husband who would do anything for me. Many of your children don't have any of those, and they know you care for them. Why? I can only conclude you do it so I can "pay it forward", pass it on, do for others!

..... but it's still more than I could have asked for!

Quotes of the Day

OK, so remember, I'm still with Joy, with a new baby and a 3 yr old and 4 1/2 yr old.

Joy wanted to encourage awake time today (in Libby), so I called the boys over to talk to her when her (blue!) eyes were open. A little later, Luke goes over to her, "Hi! I'm your big bludder!" He is so sweet to her, covering her with 6-8 burp cloths at a time. Joy had to uncover her so she wouldn't sweat. Luke didn't like that........ Tonight she found 8 of them laid gently on top of the baby swing. Aaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!!

So Joy took Ian and Libby on a walk this afternoon while Luke was still napping. Ian wanted to push the stroller, and after a while, Joy asked if he wanted her to take a turn. "No, I have to be a good big brother!" Aaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!!!!

When our kids were little, I thought that having children was the cake, and having siblings was the icing on the cake. So precious.

The Cost of Joy

Larry and I left Wenatchee last Monday morning, arriving about 6 pm in Nampa, in time to go out to dinner with Joy and Jer. Joy started labor about 10:30 and delivered at 8:42 am Tuesday morning. Libby is gentle, hearty, and beautiful. We're all reveling in the miracle of her health and safe arrival.

My job and commitment was and is to help keep the Stockett home fires burning. Plans were already in place for Luke and Ian to go to the in-town grandparents for the night after her arrival. So L & I had Tuesday to help in-hospital, spread the word, sit w Joy. Wednesday we both played with the boys, and Larry flew home Wed night. I've watched and played with the boys since. Friday when mom was finally released and brought Libby home from hospital.

Thanks for all the love, prayers, and concern for Joy, for Libby, and for us. It was wonderful. I don't think I ever enjoyed a birth so much, and I'm sure it was because I knew on a close personal level that everything could have turned out differently. For several months Joy lived with the possibility that a shadow on Libby's ultrasound could be evidence of a birth defect. Only in the last few weeks has that fear been relieved. Even at birth the attending pediatrician studied another "irregularity", because of her "history" in ultrasounds, but she left the hospital on Friday with a clear report. All is good, thank God.

I've had a week of joy, first watching her emergence into the family, then playing at home with big brothers Ian and Luke. I'm exhausted, have had headaches, but also some of the best times I've had w grandkids for months. The boys are into male bonding, and grandma is loved, but not really first choice for the tough stuff. But we played hide-n-seek, went to the zoo, had ice cream cones, and prayed for Libby "to treat us nice" (uh, what?) One morning Ian grabbed my hand and led me to his bed to hide from Lukey, our heads under his covers -- my feet sticking out below. At the zoo we saw only monkeys -- maybe because all the other animals were hiding from the 103 heat coming later in the day. On the way we saw a motorcyclist, and Ian noted his helmet ON, and yelled "Good job, Mister!" At DQ we had ice cream cones! With their gentle licks, I knew we'd have some kind of drippy mess, but who cared! Lukey kept groaning w heavenly delight, ".... MMMMmmmmmm". Upon leaving, Lukey couldn't find his $3 sunglasses, mounted on his forehead, and we all had a good laugh at HIS "senior moment". That became their new joke line: "Grandma, where are my sunglasses?" Such comedians! Such good laughs! Such memories!


One morning we were romping, and Luke got nose to nose, and said, "TAKE IT LIKE A MAN!" I took that to mean I was OK, female not-withstanding! Chuckles consumed me! and we romped on.

Ian's most precious statement was , "... look Mom! Jesus is making Libby's hair to grow!"

I've also had opportunity to have some good times w Lora. School is over! and she is winding down. Boxes are mounting in their living room as they pack in preparation for their end-of-the-month move to Portland. Today I helped a little, maybe a little more tomorrow.

And the price? Yep, I'm paying a price. So what! The kids and Larry are concerned I will be wiped out, but I didn't come for a vacation. I realize it will cost me something, but I'm the only one to really know the returns. The deep, deep joy of being valued by family, of being able to meet needs, exceeds any sacrifice. Life is about giving. "Lord, make me an instrument of your peace (the Prayer of St Francis of Assisi)....(because) it is in giving that we receive."

Another connection to my "Manna" book. I read in "Manna" about passing on the heritage of a die-hard faith; faith that is first conveyed through role modeling. And man! these little guys are picking up now on their role models! They are learning so much! Mom asked tonight, "... and who is the most powerful?" Ian has no problem remembering it is GOD!

I want to be a die-hard love-servant/role model, one who will give what I can when it is needed, as long as I can. At times I must watch, and at times I can step in, but I can always love, encourage, and pray. I will do that.

So for now, the cost of joy is something I can definitely afford! How grateful I am! So very grateful because I receive!

An AMAZING Breakthrough!

We're starting to see where the end of the upstairs remodel will be, though we can't yet give it a date. Back bedroom ceilings are now scraped and getting primer, awaiting texturing, then paint, paint, paint. But that is good! I can do paint! Larry will do floor in one room while I paint the other.

Still ongoing has been the debate about whether to make the front room back into two ...... like other houses on the street ...... which (he thinks) might make it sell better ...... but I thought would make a return to teensy rooms....................

And then it came out. Why hadn't it come out sooner? Why did it take words that made no sense, that reflected what seemed to me a contradiction to behavior I've observed for 31 years? Why did he tell me that NOW he didn't want to let go of the desk which he's always told me was too big, he didn't want to work at, I could use because he preferred a roll top desk? Why did he now say, "Can't I do with my stuff what I want?"

I'd missed what I've so often told others to look for! The hidden meaning behind the words. The itch that he couldn't even identify.

That desk signified something (long ago) given to HIM. Something he shouldn't have to share. Located in a place where he could find identity, despite what "mess" might be in the rest of the house.

His office.

We've never had space for an office before. With three girls and my many projects, we've used every bit of space we've had. But the girls have been gone for years! Why did it come out now?

I think Larry pushed for those teensy rooms with subconscious hope that he might get space to put "his" things, his books, his laptop, his momentos -- not much, but whatever he wanted. Just his own personal space.

He's not sleeping well again, awake about 2:30 or 3 for the last two nights. I hate that. When I awoke at 4:40 this morning and found him up, I went out to ask what was keeping him awake. I told him that I'd be happy to put up a wall if he wanted the room for an office. No sirens, bells or whistles then, but he told me after lunch that he struggled to get back to sleep after that because of excitement over actually having his OWN ROOM! Not a room for sleeping, mind you. Probably not for using much except when he first gets up and has his quiet time in the morning.

I've fought putting in that wall for a year. In my mind no one would rather have small rooms when they can have a big one. HE would rather have a teensy corner -- to call his own.

Lord, help me remember, again, to listen to the unsaid.

The beat goes on.....

Busy week. We picked cherries last Saturday because they would be sprayed this week. I always pick more and plan to share, but often end up not finding someone who wants them till they are too far gone to give. So I pitted and dried, froze some, and have more in the frig to do tomorrow.....

Remodel is coming along so well. I am thrilled with how the bathrooms turned out. Lots of clean-up to do, and need to paint baseboards, doors, and touch-up. Larry is eager to get our bedroom ceiling scraped, then textured and painted so he can lay floor, and we can move back. Right now we have clothes in every room of the house, and never know which room holds what we want.

Can't wait to meet sweet little Libby! I have just a little more to do to finish covering her rocker cushions. Wonder if she will have blonde curls or straight locks, be a fighter or a lover....

I'm so thankful to be home, here, w/Larry. He went backpacking last weekend, and I missed him. I'm thankful for opportunities, each new day, great kids(incl sons!), grandkids, and friends. And I'm thankful for God, so thankful.

Happy Fourth of July! Thank God for America!

Kauai!

We’ve just returned from “the best vacation we’ve ever had!” as Larry puts it. Our trip to Kauai provided an amazing ten days away from normal routines, seeing another part of God’s creation we’d never experienced. The best part for Larry was savoring his coffee each morning with the ocean breezes. I reveled in the freedom to “not have to” do anything, to read from dawn to dusk, or eat without preparation messes.

Fortunately our bodies adjusted quickly to the different time zones and we rose and slept on regular schedules. Larry awakened about 6:30, and I laid in bed longer, thinking, praying, focusing with a game or two of Sudoku. Both of us had novels we’d start and stop, depending on what the other wanted.

Looking across the lanai, we were mesmerized by ocean waves, watching the roll and foam of surf, kite surfers, boogie boarders, or full-board surfers. It’s amazing to watch wave power, realizing such a small detail to the Creator is a life-or-death topic for men.

We peered into a magnificent and color riddled Waimea Canyon called “the Grand Canyon of the Pacific” that drops 4100 feet, witnessing vibrant oranges, greens, blacks and browns. We watched cliff-nesting birds glide on wind currents. These small birds were safe here, away from man and beast, yet vulnerable outside this breathtaking chasm, just as we are vulnerable in their habitat.

Larry’s lifetime dream has been snorkeling in the tropical reef, and he netted 5 days. He was ecstatic at the colorful array of fish. I have tremendous water anxiety, but we eventually found a protected pool and availed the low tides to share viewing chubs and convict tangos. Too many people in the pond eventually drove us out, but not before Larry could swim quietly alongside a sea turtle.

Kilueau lighthouse guards the northeastern coast, situated in another spectacular environment. While Larry ooh-ed and ah-ed at the five or six bird varieties soaring between cliffs, barrier island, and lighthouse, I stared into surf bouncing off ocean caves as birds laced the blues of water and sky.

And oh! The fruit! Coconut milk is so lightly sweet it’s not sickening, like I expected. The farmers’ market vender cracked it open with a machete! And the coconut inside peeled out into my spool like a creamy pudding….. mmmmmmmm! Papaya was a sweet treat I‘ve never sampled before – I’m not sure whether it’s available here or not. Amazingly, Hawaii imports lots of their fruit because it’s become too expensive to grow it commercially. Imagine that!

Leisurely dress and schedule make Kauai a paradise haven. What we wanted and needed was a place to retreat and survey our forces for handling life. Much as we loved it, we realized the permanent “Hawaii” setting isn’t where God wants us. We missed our relationships with their challenges. We missed routine despite its need for balance. I missed my kitchen and creative messes.

God’s presence followed us to Kauai, directing our desperations. Larry must now tackle important research, two vital manuscripts, and a professional meeting, all in July. I must face remodeling dust more places than I thought possible, issues I can’t see my way through, and everyday challenges. Ha! What a misconception that life gets easier when current problems pass.
We were each reading growth books. As we sipped and read each morning, we’d share insights relating to our real-life challenges, amazed how similar our conclusions and applications were. God was showing us gently, consistently, that the only answers come in deepening relationship, deepening our dependence. My book is pointing to cutting out the part of modern mentality that emphasizes personal control, all the while acknowledging that no way can I face my giants in my own strength. Where modern thinking suggests we just grip tighter, the Creator and creation teach the fluidity in holding loosely. Outcomes are scary to us only because they suggest surrendering control. Surrender simply means I trust someone bigger than myself.

It is -- but it's not

http://www.ourprayer.org/connect-with-God

Everything around me -- it is my responsibility to affect, to manage, to care, to empathize. But it's not my problem when I've done what I can and seemingly change hasn't come. It's God's problem. It's his world. I don't believe he snapped his magic wand and said, "it's great!" and then floated off, only to peek down and frown or smile once in a while. I do believe that he's in constant contact with anyone who wants to place a call -- and makes lots of unsolicited calls to aware and unaware humans to show his deep love and concern. I believe he injects himself daily into common occurences, from falling rain to the rise and fall of rulers. I believe he grows us, and sometimes flattens us. All because of love.

The word "discipline" has haunted me lots lately. (Comes with the idea of weight loss.....)

By origin, I think it means to do what it takes to be a disciple, not punishment that comes from the one modeling for the disciple.

Thus the link. I think this is the road to discipline. Inviting, rather than scary.

My Need

He lets me need so I can learn He is worthy to be trusted.

The Transfer

About my "manna" book --

I'm reading right now about the transfer of faith from one generation to another, and how watching our parents see God's provision gives faith to our children for the every day needs. Guess that convinces me it's ok for them, even as adults, to see my struggles.

Only one time did we ever wonder where if we'd have food. During the early days of marriage I often served a meal of one chicken thigh; or made peanut butter cookies to stretch the peanut butter; even baked to save cost of bread -- but found we actually ate more bread that way....... (smile). One time we had $17 and only a few cans in the cupboard till next payday. We bought milk, bread, soup and cheese -- and had soup and cheese when the next payday arrived.

Lora had bad bronchitis as a six-month-old, and I literally prayed away the hours as I listened to my baby wheeze. The doctor wouldn't see her till she had a 104 temp, but I knew things weren't right. I pled with God to take care of her -- because I couldn't! I learned a much deeper dependence in those scary moments.

A year later we were heading home for Christmas when we had car trouble outside of Atlanta. Even in 1987, you didn't wanted to be alone on the interstate. Larry left me with a toddler, 5 and 6 yr olds and started to walk for help, and I prayed with ferocity, "God, we need you NOW!" God heard! Larry hadn't walked 20 yds before someone stopped to help.

In my book, the author says we can run from the trials or draw close to the Shepherd. Running is what I want, but there is nowhere to go. I want to run into Him, be enclosed and shielded in Him. That may not make sense till you are there, but only God completely understands me. He knows each of us, and wants US to realize "I HAVE YOUR BACK!"

I heard a preacher last Sunday morning, quoting someone else saying, "... it's Friday, but Sunday's coming!" referring to the grief after Christ's death, but knowing we can still COUNT ON God's Promise.

His "manna" is an everyday thing. I need it today. I need it right now. From waking with a sinus-headache-turned-migraine to needing energy to empty rooms for the contractor. I thank God I can show my girls, "GOD DOES IT!"

Believe it!

Making Time

I've experienced a gamut of thoughts and feelings in one week, making me doubt earlier confidences of the Road God has planned for me. Thank goodness for those close friends who are willing to stay close and encourage, willing to so gently say, "... if you really think so.... but you might consider...." Now, having stepped back from my struggles, distancing myself temporarily from involvement, things are starting to look differently. They encouraged me first, now I'm still begging myself for permission, even insisting on it -- I need rest.

This is possibly my greatest vice. I don't make time for personal needs. I don't silence my mind and look to my Source for renewal. Too much mental energy is focused on meeting needs around me, and my mind and body becomes an out-of-gas car that can't carry others where they need to go, can't carry me very well, and feels like an old clunker. Even old clunkers keep running when we maintain them.

I admire the discipline that it takes to maintain the body -- the ROUTINE! I hate that word! I am so random that I love variety in everything from breakfast food to music. But a little routine makes everything go more smoothly. Brushing my teeth before bed and smoothing lotion on a clean face every day keeps me smiling! A clean kitchen sink and food in the frig keeps me calm.

Yep, a mom has to go with the flow of family, and interruptions, and malfunctions, but I admire the ones who make time for that maintenance. One of the strengths of today's young moms is their priorities on getting together and attending their own needs. Sorry I didn't learn the value of that a long time ago. But never too late!

God, help me have some routine today! Help me limit my work, and make maintenance more of my routine. Help me entrust others more to YOUR maintenance, and remember I can't help others if I have to be fixed first.

Maybe God tried to endorse that with the sabboth principle (in the Ten Commandments), but a lot was lost in translation. I thought it meant a day to spend doing anything Christian -- that turned out to not be restful at all. And thus was sort of lost the whole idea. I need it again.

I will make time for me right now. Walks. Fun. Listening. Renewal.

Enough for How Long?

I'm reading an interesting book right now that is forcing me to examine just who and what I count on to get me through the good and bad times. I know I can only count on people to a point -- we all have our bad times, and our week sides. I realize God is the only totally dependable Friend.

But what about the days when I REALLY feel I need a shoulder to cry on, and either no one understands, my "whoever" friend MISunderstands, or just plain no one is available. I'm learning to wait, really wait, and believe that God is still there.

I hit a poor bird while driving home last week. The Bible says God is aware of each bird. This one's mate ran frantically around him in the road. The bird was distraught -- however distraught birds can be!

So if God cries with this poor quail that just watched me kill her mate, I KNOW He has plans for me -- exhausted, confused, fumbling, ignorant, lonely -- or however overwhelmed.

My book talks about how God provided food for the Israelite people when they were walking from Egypt back to what became their homeland. His provision was strange but satisfying. Called manna, laying on the ground each day when they awoke. They were instructed to collect only what they needed for their families, and no more. Extra always spoiled.

My author friend is comparing this kind of trust and dependence to the trust I/ we need today. So life is tuff, and we want to just chuck the circumstances that make it miserable. I've considered chucking some of my "bumps" (NOT Larry!), but am still hanging on. The point was made that when we walk away, we lose the privilege of seeing this "provision". What God has given me has brought me through today, and it brought me through a whole lot of yesterdays! If I just chuck those "bumps", what surprises might I miss! What miracles might I never see! Motivation! Inspiration!

But make no mistake -- this as no easy choice. The bumps are pretty unpleasant at times. They can get worse. I still believe God has my/ your back! He will be "ENOUGH" for as long as I let Him be. I think He wants to be my ENOUGH. I think He wants me to realize HE is my ONLY provision, that every other gift I receive in life comes first through Him. DUH! Yes, I forget it way too often.

So how long will I let Him be enough? I want it to be forever, but I need His strength even to hang on. I need enough strength for just today.

Blessings! Enjoy your today! He's got you covered!

Something Needed at the Right Time

I picked up a new book recently called "Manna", referring to the food that God provided out of nowhere when the Hebrews had left their slavery in Egypt and were heading back to their "promised land" and site of our modern Israel. The term has come to mean something critical provided in timely fashion.

Our second little princess-granddaughter is due to arrive in about 2 months. Her siblings have come early, so we'll see if she waits or not. Her arrival is more unnerving because one of the tests doctors routinely give for pregnancy has left us all in the wake of uncertainty. The health we assume with most pregnancies is suddenly in question. And the greater question is not how will she do, but how will we do?

It relieves me to hear my kids voicing their fears. Lets me know they are normal, they aren't withdrawing from reality. It also guides my prayer and concern for them.

I opened this "Manna" book yesterday, finally ready to lay myself open to thought, and to direction. I need some "manna". I need something critical provided in a timely fashion. I need to know that God will supply whatever my kids need to face whenever they have to face it. I need to relinquish my need to rescue them, to the God who actually does the healing, who knows what is needed, by whom, and at what point. And I need the timing of One who will allow the spiritual exercise and growth of faith before intervening. I've often seen parents who rescue earlier than I thought wise -- Huh! Bet God chuckles at seeing me do it too.

I'm making my way through this lesson, tears streaking down my face as I identify. I know what it is to be numb, to feel forgotten, to question my importance to God. I have felt dried up with no energy to make me disappear. But I've also seen tough times pass, with the sweet breezes of energy returning. I saw it in myself when I saw the love pass between the eyes of my daughters and sons-in-law. I've felt it as I've seen grievances forgotten between friends. And I've believed it as I've seen strangers listen and love me in my pains. We often need a body to hug, not just a hope. And God provides whatever we need.

So I keep on. Fifty years ago my parents sang a song together, "I Don't Know About Tomorrow". Still true. Economy, health, kids, govenment, weather. I keep on because the Giver of all good things is still giving. Still loving, still caring. As the author of this book phrased it, I want my safety to not be determined by my ability but by God's.

I'm going to be OK. So are my kids. So are my grandkids. I'm trusting God, reminding him, trusting him, reminding him. He won't forget, but I need the constant entrustment. All is safe and all is well.

IF I COULD SHARE A MESSAGE WITH THE WORLD

If I could share a message with the world
Is profit more by pen, the smile, the touch?
Would I convey more passion through my words
Or through a smile and prayer shared at a lunch?
Which messages do we most easily hear?
The passive, or the painful thumps?

If I could share a message with the world
Perhaps I’d choose to do it just through you.
I’d tell of hopes and dreams now unfulfilled
But heights I’ve climbed and awesome vistas viewed.
So many unexpected joys, once lived
Show open doors ne’er glimpsed or hope pursued.

‘Tis ordinary days that yield these sites
And ordinary folks these porters be.
A simple “welcome, friend” the vessel’s ramp
That carries me to new sights unbelieved.
Great lives forever yearning, dreaming, yet
Awaiting faith on sweet words blessed with peace.

So hopefully this message to the world
Is passing now from friend to foe anew;
That life is lived in ordinary fields
That border heaven’s meadows with earth’s dew,
Reflecting every longing soul’s heart cry,
Met with each two-world glimpse of glory’s view.

Coincidences?

Just finished the cross country part of my current 12-day trek. The first nephew (or niece) on the Duncan side married last weekend -- after a sweet 5-year courtship. I flew to OH for the wedding, and enjoyed time with all the sisters, brothers-in-law, nieces and nephews, and of course, my dad. Daddy and I flitted one night through numerous memories of my childhood, like the lay of our homes in the late 50's, why Lois swallowed the alarm clock button (when she was 3!), how visiting evangelists entertained themselves and scared us with their own bravado, and how many different kinds of animals we'd raised. Daddy is 87 now, and showing it, but he is still my hero.
Jenny, Jon and the kids drove (up) from Nashville for the wedding, and stayed overnight. Emily looked every bit the fairy princess she enacted for the wedding -- she was flower girl. Before the wedding she told everyone grandma was going to walk down the aisle with her. Ha! Jenny walked with her -- the better plan I'm sure. Her mama would best

know how to deal with an unexpected -- and what do you expect from a 3 1/2 yr old if not the unexpected. After the walk, she kept busy dumping and picking up remaining petals till the homily and vows were finished. Paul was a hoot to watch as well, blustering past anything in his path -- except his mama. At 16 months he's not afraid of much -- not even Aunt Lois' dog. Such a thrill to see them. Paul is coming w Jenny Friday night to Nampa and our grad weekend!

Yesterday I awoke in Columbus at 5 am (2 am Wenatchee time), to fly out to Chicago to Seattle to Boise. Cindy P met me at the Boise airport and took me to their place, where I'm hibernating for about 24 hours. Last night I fell asleep about 8 their time with NO sleep aids -- no machine, no tylenol, no sleeping pill. Just the rain forest music. Today I'll nap, shower, nap, read, and be ready for grad party shopping after dinner with Lora and Joy. Another good weekend coming up! Can't wait to see all three grandsons trailing around this weekend, playing together. Pics will come next week, as I forgot to bring my camera cable.

And soon, our second little princess will arrive! Libby is due in only 2 1/2 more months. WOW! I've met some folks on this trip who have only one, or even NO grandkids, even tho kids are grown and out of the house. How blessed are we? (NOT that grandkids are more important than the well being of our adult kids! They are just icing! Cake is good w/o icing, but icing is awesome too.)

Speaking of folks I've met on the trip! I had some interesting encounters, some "coincidences" that really charged, challenged, and uplifted me. First was a clinical neurologist heading to a medical conference in Seattle. I was reading "The Song of Abraham" by Ellen Gunderson Traylor. AWESOME read relating the human blunders and courage of a man who really believed in Someone no one else dared to believe, in circumstances of stark and dreadful isolation. But "Abraham believed God". I was awestruck. This interesting doctor struck me as possibly of Jewish descent, and as it turned out, he actually was born in Israel to parents who migrated there after the war. Next year he plans to take his only child to Masada in Israel for her bar mitzvah, and I was excited both with and for him as he shared with me.

The connections of that encounter both charged and uplifted me. How amazing to meet such a person as I was pondering Abraham in my book. I felt like someone had orchestrated it -- for my benefit, or maybe likewise his? But Someone was noting.........

Then after the weekend, when I was heading for my gate in Columbus, I was filling my waterbottle at a fountain, with an Amish woman standing right by. Most Amish in Ohio come from Wayne and Holmes County. We chatted about what was allowable on the planes (smile!) and then in the course of small talk, learned that her sister (possibly now deceased) had been married to a brother of our good friend and writer, David Kline, of Fredericksburg OH. I lived with David and Elsie Kline for a college course experience, and have maintained friendship for the 35 years since. We last saw them about 3 years ago. Another "coincidence" that I wonder about.

The flights to SEA went fine, no long layovers, no scares, nothing anymore stressful than the long hours, waiting, eating fast food fast and having little time for restroom breaks. Once in SEA I headed for Wendys and a good salad, parked myself in front of the window wall overlooking incoming and outgoing planes. A couple my age eventually took the bench nearby, and corraling my trash led to conversation. They were accompanying a George Fox Univ group of college juniors to China and Tibet, and we began sharing. Another interesting and uplifting conversation.

Last, I walked to my gate and saw that, had I waited till I thought was the time for my flight, I'd have missed it ..... and I felt somebody was looking out for me.

I missed Larry lots this weekend, especially in lieu of the loss of friends' 54-yr-old son to a sudden massive heart attack. Life never happens in quite the organized way want or expect.

But I'm more convinced than ever that the same God who watched over Abraham, and asked more than Abraham thought he could ever give, was watching over me. No migraines, no close calls to heighten stress, no conflict with friends or family. Instead, several unexpected blessings that didn't have to happen, would most likely have not happened ..... except by the hand of a Master Designer, who is always watching over me.

I'm lucky, fortunate, blessed, however one wants to call it. I miss my husband, but am thankful for the phones. He called me this morning! First time he has placed the call since I left -- but ok considering that yesterday was the last day of his long-day stretch. He had worked 12-14 hr days for the 14 days previous, no days off. Thank God for a job, for one he can enjoy, for one where he knows he will get paid.

Much is bad in the world, but much is good. All is safe and well, with One who knows no coincidences.

Another thanks

Today I'm SO thankful for God. That someone is always listening (sorry, Larry), always understands (sorry again) and cares for me way more than the little birds that fly across my path and leave their marks on my clean car. Can you imagine that the Creator and Intellect of the Universe actually cares for those little creatures? That he cares enough to provide instinct for their homebuilding, feeding, and protection of their own families! Oh, how much more he cares for me.

He cares for my headaches.

He cares for my concern about my appearance (degenerating as the 50s can do!).

He cares for my sleep issues (and provides friends that care too!).

He cares about my mistakes, when I wish I had waited for a traffic light, or not pulled out in front of another driver.

He told me to learn from him. To forgive others, to imagine how they might feel, that they might likewise regret mistakes they've made.

We're all stumbling along together. Even the wisest among us. Even the one we think never makes mistakes. Even the one we think thinks he/she never makes mistakes.

Sometimes it takes me longer (than other times) to see my own mistakes.

God, help me be gentle with everyone. Sometimes firm, but always gentle, loving, grace-giving....like you do for me. Thank you -- SO MUCH -- for being gentle with me!!!

Thank God!

Thank God for friends who do little things for us. Man, if they only knew how big a thing it can be!

Wanna pay it forward one day!!

My Cost

http://www.myutmost.org/04/0423.html

I just read Oswald Chamber's message for today, 4/23. It rather hit home.

I have a job, a calling, a commitment. It is challenging, some days worse than others, and I've often wondered how much I can take, even how much I want to take.

Chambers' perspective takes me back to not only my focus on God, but my privilege as his child: I don't have to be responsible for the outcome! When it hurts and I remember he is hurting even more, I need to remember it isn't my work. Uh, DAH! I don't understand the big comprehensive plan. I see things as looking good or bad today. He sees today and tomorrow and yesterday affecting each other, and having a more detailed outcome than I imagined. I get so hung up on only what I can see and understand. I care, and it hurts!

But when I see a price tag, I guess I'm not really reading it right.

Spring Blessings!

Spring is Larry's busy season. For one to two weeks after blossoms begin to open, he may work 8 to 16 hr days, without a day off. Our first year in the Northwest, this went on for about six weeks.

Larry has a small but excellent group of helpers -- or tech support. The lead lab tech has been with him throughout his NW tenure. She deserves much of the credit for his success, and he is mindful to include her name on papers, even though she isn't a scientist. Often she thinks through the experiment -- what might have gone wrong, what might we do better, where might we next go -- and is the director of most lab work. She is invaluable.

Returning this year is a lady who worked with their group for about 12 years, but was released due to insufficient funds to pay her. Twelve years working on these projects makes a tech very knowledgeable, skilled, and fast. All three are essential elements. Fast can make the difference between 8 hour and 12 hour days.

Larry focuses and gears up for this period with determination and ambition to get through. He now reduces the expectations as he realizes all of them have much less energy to forge ahead than even 5 years ago. Life isn't what we expected when we started -- we're getting old, AND tired. Larry focuses not just on the work, but on his workers. He is depending on God to lead and carry them all.

I am helping on whatever scale I can. I usually take them goodies when they work weekends, and work with them in the orchards, counting blossoms, innoculating with the fire blight bacterium, or selecting infected blossoms for study in the lab. What I like about spring with Larry's workers isn't the work -- God DIDN'T make me science-minded -- but rather the fun of being with the people. I always want to lighten their stress, remind them all that mistakes work out, and hopefully deter headaches with prayer and laughter.

I'm thankful for this team, first, because I want to assist my husband, but also because I've come to know and care for the families represented here. I admire the commitment they have to their families as well as to Larry's work. Part of my support is to pray for strength for them on the daily basis, and I pray that God will let them know their endurance comes from Him, and not from their determination OR health plans.

This team is the foundation for Larry's success, in the past as well as the coming years, if not for the rest of his career. Their work leads to discoveries that lead to papers that lead to meetings that lead to collaboration that lead to new work, new discoveries, new papers. A discovery many years ago lead to a product now produced and sold by a leading Northwest agricultural company. That not only affects the farmers and quality of fruit we can buy; it gives Larry new inroads to collaboration with scientists throughout the country and even the world, comparing, sharing, brainstorming, researching together -- even friendships and touching lives. The little details are an integral part of who he is and what he has done.

And all this affects me. How? Because Larry's success is dependent what he thinks other people think, and even more, on what I think. Evaluations and awards and promotions go a long ways, but they are nothing without a team with whom to share the winnings.

I am not the only wind beneath his wings, but I am thankful for all the currents that keep him in the air.